pod ep 7 - listener q & a #1
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[00:00:00] Welcome to the Sleep by Alex podcast. I am a certified pediatric sleep consultant and a mom of three, and I will be bringing you quick science backed sleep advice to get you and your baby or toddler sleeping well
Hey everyone. Welcome back. Thanks for tuning in again. Before I get started today, I'm just gonna give a fair warning. There is some noisy work going on next door to my house. Of course, like right outside my window where I record. So I wish you could see me right now. I've put like a blanket over my head in my computer.
And I've made myself like a little blanket for it. I might end up getting really hot and sweaty in here, but we'll see how that goes. Um, and I'm gonna try and get some of this in. If I feel like it's getting too noisy, then I'll definitely take a break and try again another time. But if you hear a little something here and there, I apologize for the noise in the background.
Hopefully it's not too bad.
Today's episode, I wanna try something a little bit different than my previous [00:01:00] episodes . Last week I went on my Instagram and asked you guys for some questions like what you are going through with sleep and what you're struggling with and what you'd like me to cover on the podcast. And usually I take one of those questions and sort of expand it into one big podcast covering that topic.
But. Today, there was just so many of you with so many questions that rather than doing that, I'm going to throw in a little q and a episode. So I'm gonna do some rapid fire q and As and try and get you some quick advice for your issues that you sent me because there was just so many of you that I wanted to make sure to get to more than just one of you this week.
I'll definitely get back to diving deep into topic by topic next week, but I'm probably gonna keep throwing these little q and a episodes in there. That way more people can get some answers to their questions.
So thank you to everyone that sent your question in. I really appreciate it. The first question is from Angela. She has two [00:02:00] questions about her toddler. So the first one is how do you know when to transition out of the crib? Also is a toddler bed better or straight to a twin slash double bed? This is a great question. I'm passionate about this topic because I feel like so many people move their children outta their crib way before they need to. And why add more stress? Why put yourself through that if your baby doesn't need to get outta the crib yet?
So when to transition outta the crib. The first thing I should say is if your baby is consistently climbing out of the crib and it's no longer safe for them to be in there, like there's a possibility that they're going to climb and fall out or hurt themselves, um, and this seems to be occurring, you know more than once, more than twice, it's becoming a consistent thing, then it's probably time to transition outta the crib.
You really wanna make sure that your toddler is safe. And if they're able to climb out and fall and hurt themselves, that's just not the safest situation. Of course, [00:03:00] before doing this, ensure that your crib mattress is all the way on the lowest level possible. So sometimes you don't realize your crib mattress can even be put down a little bit lower.
Um, sometimes wearing a sleep sack can help them not like be able to kick their leg up over the side of the crib, so that can be helpful as well. So make sure you're doing something safe, of course, but before moving them out, maybe try sleep sack if they're not in one already, and make sure that your cribs on the lowest setting.
Let's say they're not climbing out of the crib, but you're just wondering when is a good time to transition them out of the crib eventually? . So far, I've had three kids and the youngest one is two and a half, and not one of my kids has ever tried to climb outta the crib, but eventually I still transition them to a toddler bed.
A really a great time to transition to a toddler bed is as close to three years old as you can make it. So before three years old, it is really a hard concept for your toddler to [00:04:00] understand, to stay in their bed all night long. It is tricky. The crib really helps set that boundary of this is where you sleep and this is where you stay all night until morning, and then I can come and get you so.
Before three? Yes. Is it totally possible for your child to move to a toddler bed earlier than three years old? Yes, absolutely. But if they're not climbing outta the crib, I recommend waiting until at least three years old, because why mess with something that's not broken after three years old? They're gonna have such better concept and understanding of following directions and understanding the boundary of needing to stay in their bed all night.
So that's really a good time to transition. If your toddler's not already climbing out of their crib. If you're one of my Sleep by Alex online members and you're curious about making the transition from a crib to a toddler bed really smooth without the bedtime battles and without running outta the room all night,
then I highly recommend you go to the resources that you get access to when you join as a member, [00:05:00] because I have a whole crib to toddler bed guide that you can download and follow when you're ready for this transition. Part two of this question is a toddler bed better or straight to a twin slash double bed?
Okay, this is a bit of a personal decision, but I've always just transitioned to a toddler bed because I have cribs where you can just take the front off of the crib, take like the front railing off, and it turns into a toddler bed.
So no need to buy anything new. I don't need to spend any more money. I literally just grab a screwdriver and take the front off of the bed so I'm not needing to buy a whole new bed. So I recommend just doing that if your crib has that capability. If your crib does not have that capability, you could purchase either a toddler bed or a twin slash double. But let me just say one thing. I find that it's nice for my kids to have a bed that is their size. And it is not tempting for me to start any habits of [00:06:00] sleeping with them or laying with them until they fall asleep.
That's because I don't have the intention of doing that long term ever. Right. I don't want to do that. So if my toddler has a nice big double bed and it's comfy for me when they, you know, are begging me to lay with them and come back and sleep with me, mom. That's hard to pass up, right? It's easy to just to lay down and be like, yeah, I'm cozy, and then you accidentally fall asleep and then it turns into a habit.
Well, my kids don't have beds. That would be big enough for me to comfortably lay with them, um, when they're toddlers. So I find that this eliminates the sort of. Ease of sleeping with them or laying with them and make sure that I really hold the boundary, that this is where you sleep and you sleep on your own.
And I'm happy to give you extra love and comfort when you need, but I'm not going to sleep with you in here. All that being said, if you love sleeping with your kids and you don't mind laying with them until they fall asleep, or you feel like you have enough strong will to not [00:07:00] do this even when they have a big bed, then by all means it does not matter what size bed your toddler transitions to.
Okay, the next question is from Anna, and her question is, how do I transition from the swaddle? Oh my gosh. This can be such a tricky transition. I know for my babies who truly thrived in the swaddle and loved it, and it was a huge sleep association for them. This was a really hard when they started rolling and I needed to transition them out of it.
So a few things to note here. If your baby is starting to show signs of rolling over, then this is when you need to transition out of the swaddle. If your baby is not showing signs of rolling, you can continue swaddling them because most newborns are gonna have a pretty intense startle reflex.
So if your baby's not close to rolling, no need to worry about that swaddle quite yet. You can hang onto it. Let's say they're starting to roll though, and it's time to transition out of the swaddle. Here's a couple ways you can go about it. The first is for one week, you can swaddle them up with just one arm [00:08:00] in and one arm out.
So you'll have their same swaddle on, you'll tuck one of their arms into their, you know, close to their side, and one arm will be out and free. And you can do that for, you know, about a week. After a week of that, you can swaddle them around their torso, but with both arms out. So they still have like the snug fit around their torso, but both of their arms are free Now.
And after about a week of that you can just drop the swaddle altogether. There are naturally going to be extra wake up during this time. Just 'cause you're doing it one arm at a time does not mean your baby is not going to wake up extra. This is a whole new thing for them to get used to. So just know this is kind of one of those moments that you have to ride out and keep on keeping on until they get through this first couple weeks of getting used to this new way of sleeping.
If you feel like you have an extra jerky baby, all babies are born with a startle reflex, but some babies are jerkier than others. So if you feel like your baby is extra jerky, really relies on the swaddle and is startling themselves [00:09:00] awake super frequently, then you may consider purchasing some sort of swaddle transition product like the Magic Merlin suit
Or the zippity zip or something like that. I've put a few examples in the show notes if you're curious about these things. Um, the final thing I'll say about the swaddle transition is if your baby's older than four months old, you're actually in luck because I would just recommend teaching them to initiate sleep independently at the same time as transitioning out of the swaddle.
That way, every little moment that they jerk themselves awake, it's not a huge deal. 'cause they're gonna know how to fall back asleep independently. So if you're wanting to transition outta the swaddle and your baby is already four months old, doing it all at once is going to be your best bet 100%.
Once again, if you are a Sleep by Alex Online member, I have a whole downloadable guide about transitioning out of the swaddle, how to drop it step by step, every little nitty gritty detail. So if you're a member, go ahead and check out those resources.
Okay, this next. Question is from [00:10:00] Kelly. My 16 month old is a good sleeper. Sleeps from about seven 30 till six 30 in the morning, but he's still having two naps. I'm trying to drop it to one because he's starting to fight the second one slightly, but he honestly cannot make it past nine 30 in the morning For his first nap, I've been capping that one between 30 and 45 minutes, and then giving him a second one around one 30 or two, but some days he fights that for half an hour or so and then sleeps for an hour and a half to two hours, but it's getting too close to bedtime.
It's pushing bedtime out. Can you see my dilemma? I know it's not a huge deal, but I feel like a lot of these signs he's showing means he's ready for one nap. But the couple of times I've tried by nine 30 or 10, he is so overtired and cranky. I can't stretch him out any longer. What should I do? I need the nap to be closer to midday, don't I? To make it through the afternoon help. Hi Kelly. This is such a tricky transition. Okay. Transitioning from two naps to one nap is actually one of my like least favorite [00:11:00] processes when it comes to baby and toddler stuff.
It's just such a big jump. Like Kelly's saying, it's really hard to go from a nine 30 nap in the morning to an 1130 or 12 o'clock nap. Right? That's a big jump for us to ask of our toddlers.
So, yes, it does sound like your toddler is probably getting ready for just one nap a day, and yes, that's a big jump to make, and I know it can feel tricky, so you do not have to push your baby to go from a nine 30 nap to a noon nap, right? That would be a really big jump for them. So what I would start to do.
Push it really gradually. I'm talking like the first day, it might be 9 45 or 10 o'clock, and it might be like that for a couple days and I would not cap that morning nap. So you put them down, let's say 10 o'clock
and I would not wake him up at all. I would let him sleep for as long as he can. We actually want him to be extending that nap. And if we need to cap a nap, we should cap the afternoon one, because we want this first nap of the day to eventually be the only [00:12:00] nap of the day, right?
So starch, moving it a little bit 15 or 30 minutes later and start letting him sleep for as long as he can.
Now, depending on how long he sleeps, especially with a nap that's at 10 in the morning, he might need a cat nap in the afternoon in order to make it to bedtime. So you may find that during this process, some of the days you're going to have to throw in a sort of 30 45 minute nap or reset in the afternoon.
So we're gonna sort of flip this schedule on its head in order to drop this sort of second nap. After a couple days, you're gonna push till 10 15 or 10 30, eventually 10 45, 11, 11 15. Usually nap will land somewhere between like 1130 and one o'clock. It's usually going to, hopefully last two to three hours once you've sort of gotten through this whole transition time.
And babies on one nap a day are usually awake around five hours at a time. [00:13:00] So if your baby's waking up at six or six 30.
Their nap is eventually probably going to land somewhere around 1130 for a while. It may get a little bit later as they get older. And like I said, throughout the process, you're gonna let them sleep as long as they can. In the morning, you're gonna maybe throw in a cat nap in the afternoon every few days to help them catch up, or you're going to need to have just one nap a day and have a super early bedtime. Some of the days it's gonna take three or four weeks for this to shake out, and your baby is going to seem tired.
Your baby is used to sleeping at nine 30, so try not to worry too much about their sleepy cues. Obviously we don't need them like completely losing their minds and crying and falling asleep at the table. But when they get a little sleepy around nine 30, you're gonna go outside, you're gonna go look at birds.
You're gonna like, you know, try and distract them for a little bit to try and get them a little bit later and closer to your desired nap time. Once again, I have a workshop all about dropping naps and toss a lot about this transition in the Sleep [00:14:00] by Alex membership. I know this is probably starting to sound like a Sleep by Alex membership advertisement,
which was actually not my intention, believe it or not, but it's so funny 'cause these topics, I do have downloadable guides and workshops all on there. Literally everything you need to know by baby sleep is on there. So if you're a member, go over to the resources. There's a whole workshop that I filmed all about this.
It's gonna help you get through it step by step.
Okay. The next question I have here is from Eden. Eden asks, how do I move away from bouncing slash rocking my 15 month old to sleep and to resettle without crying and while maintaining connection?
Thank you so much. Okay, Eden, you have worries that many parents have. I want my baby to be happy. I don't want them to be crying for hours on end. I want to be able to meet their needs. I want to be able to maintain connection with them, but I'm also bouncing and rocking my 15 month old to sleep now still, and I'm [00:15:00] really ready for a change.
Let's start with remaining connected, right? Your connection and your attachment with your baby is formed over thousands of interactions you have with your baby all day long.
We are constantly building our connection and attachment with our baby, from taking care of them, to feeding them, to smiling at them, or singing to them from changing their diaper, to buckling them in their car seat, to wiping their boogers. You build your connection constantly, all day long through all of these tiny little tasks, helping your baby feel safe and meeting their needs.
When it comes to building that connection or attachment with your baby, your job is to meet all of your baby's needs, right? And as many wants as you feel is appropriate to meet, it is not your job to meet all of your wants. And honestly, if you're meeting all of your child's wants, you are most likely doing them a [00:16:00] disservice.
Think about when your baby is crying while you're changing their diaper. Do we say, oh, it seems like you don't want your diaper changed. You can stay in a dirty diaper. I'll change you when you feel ready. No, we would not be taking care of our baby if we did that. We say, Ugh. I know you don't like getting your diaper changed.
I get it. I'm still gonna change your diaper to keep your body healthy and safe. If your baby is over one, you've probably experienced something like this. Think about when your toddler wants ice cream for dinner. We say no, they protest. We could say, nevermind. You're right. We should have ice cream for dinner, but we would probably be doing our toddler a disservice, right?
We are not setting them up for success in the long run, and neither are we setting ourselves up for success either. We can understand and validate their feelings like, Hey, I get you want ice cream for dinner? Ice cream is yummy while [00:17:00] also holding a boundary of what we're having for dinner. We're gonna have spaghetti for dinner tonight.
. We can hold boundaries regardless if our children protest or not. Our children's feelings do not dictate our boundaries.
So that kind of leads us into crying. Crying is how babies communicate, and protest is usually a part of change or learning a new skill. Let me bring this back to Eden's question. She said, how do I move away from bouncing slash rocking my 15 month old to sleep and to resettle without crying and while maintaining connection?
Can we teach independent sleep with no crying? Can we change up habits with no protest? Is it possible to sleep train without tears? Well, I hope after what I just talked about, you can see crying in a bit of a different way. Regardless of what method you choose to move away from rocking your baby to sleep, you are [00:18:00] going to be able to remain connected to them.
100%. Can we do it with the least amount of tears possible? Yes, of course. If you don't want to even leave the room at all while teaching your baby to fall asleep on their own. You don't have to. You can do this in a super gradual way. For example, maybe you start padding them rather than bouncing or rocking them, and eventually you use a still touch on them to fall asleep.
Slowly over weeks, maybe you're moving yourself further away from their crib and towards the door as they fall asleep. But here's the thing. A quote unquote no cry approach does not mean there won't be crying. Remember, kids are most likely going to protest, change. They're going to protest, learning a new skill when you try and pat your baby to sleep instead of rock them.
They're probably going to cry, right? But rest assured you're still meeting all of their needs. You're still showing them [00:19:00] love and connection. This is a want. They want met, not a need, and you can hold the boundary of patting them to sleep instead of rocking regardless of their protest.
That sort of leads me into this next question where we can talk about methods. This question is from Mary, who actually also has a 15 month old. Mary says 15 months, and still nursing 24 7. I've tried Ferber method and he will scream and cry for two hours with check-ins until I give in and nurse him because I'm too exhausted.
I feel like I'm neglecting him when I leave him crying. I haven't done more than 10 minute intervals.
Okay, Mary, let's break this down.
First of all, you're 15 months in two nursing 24 7. I just wanna say kudos to you. You have nursed more than most parents do, and you should feel proud of that.
And now two things can be true. At one time, we can feel super proud of, you know, breastfeeding our babies for this long. And [00:20:00] by 15 months we can also feel completely burned out and exhausted. And no one can go that long without consolidated sleep. Like moms should not have to do that.
It is normal to feel both happy and grateful that you have had this time with your baby and it's normal to still want to nurse as well, but not want to do it all night long.
Now before diving into how to tackle this, what I will say is hopefully, from what I just talked about, you don't worry about feeling like you're neglecting your baby when he's crying.
Taking care of our babies encompasses so many things throughout the day, and crying for 10 minute intervals at bedtime is not neglecting your baby. So I'm just gonna start there.
Next. What I'll say is at 15 months, your baby is super set in their waves. Sleep training does get a little bit trickier as your baby gets older. It can take a little bit of a tweaking of the methods. It can take a [00:21:00] little longer it, and there's definitely more moving parts when your baby can sit up, stand up, walk around, crawl around, maybe say Mama or dad.
Right. These things get trickier, so I totally validate that this is really hard. What you're trying to do is move away from nursing 24 7 with a 15 month old. I totally get it now. It says you've tried Ferber and he'll scream for up to two hours with check-ins until you finally give up. I am so sorry you've gone through that.
That is not fun.
And it might even make you feel a little hopeless. Like, gosh, I even used like the sleep training method everybody used and it's not working. I'm pretty much stuck with this sleep situation. Well, let me just say you are not stuck. Ferber is not the only way to go about this. While Ferber is such a great method for many parents and babies.
It is very one size fits all sort of cookie cutter. Like this is what you do. You're gonna check in at these certain intervals and you're gonna go on and on for as long as you can [00:22:00] hang right? And then when they wake up again an hour later, you're gonna do it all over again.
And I don't know about you, but that can be pretty exhausting when you're doing this with a 15 month old who cried for two hours to go to bed, right? So first of all, I will say I don't think anyone needs to have any crying for two whole hours before bed. We wanna put a limit to this. There is no need for this to go on all night, for hours on end.
What I will also say is Ferber is not going to jive with every baby's temperament. Your baby, depending on what they're doing in there, could need shorter intervals or longer intervals of you being outside of the room. So when I chat with somebody in the membership or hop on the phone with them, this is what we break down is what?
Is your baby doing in there? And how can we start to be tuned in to, if they're learning something, if they're needing something, if they're just protesting, if they're in distress. Like this is what we learn when we work together, and then depending on how it's going, we adjust the method. , we either scale way back [00:23:00] or we push forward depending on what your baby's doing when you're outside of the room and when you check in on them.
Also, there could be something going on with your baby's daytime sleep. First, like we really wanna make sure their daytime sleep is optimized so that we reduce the likelihood that they're gonna scream for two hours before they go to bed. We wanna make sure they're not completely overtired or under tired.
We really wanna make sure we've set them up for success before we try anything like the Ferber method.
Also sounds like your baby is used to nursing 24 7. So we really wanna talk about how do we tackle nursing in general 24 7 and set some boundaries with nursing, not only at this bedtime, and that's gonna make it a whole lot easier for you and your baby to move smoothly into independent sleep without needing to nurse so much.
And as stated before, there are ways to do this where you're not leaving the room at all. Some babies just don't do well with us leaving the room, right? So it's possible to do this. While remaining in the room,
I'd say, most likely [00:24:00] Mary. First of all, you're gonna wanna make sure that the daytime sleep is optimized
and that you nail down a plan that feels doable for you. Because I'll tell you, screaming and crying for two hours straight, and then eventually nursing 'em to sleep, you're exhausted. And this doesn't sound sustainable or doable for you. So I think you need to switch up methods. But I don't want you to feel helpless.
This is 100% possible. It's just a matter of chatting to see what is gonna work for my baby. Do I need to be outta the room longer? Do I need to be outta the room shorter? Do I need to be in the room with them? This is what I do with parents when I work with you.
. Alright everyone. Thank you for listening to this q and a episode. If you liked an episode like this, please let me know. Send me a message on my Instagram and I will definitely do more of these, you know, , maybe every month or so we can throw in one of these.
I love hearing all your questions and at least getting a handful of you some quick tips for success.
If you are interested in any of my resources or a consultation, all of the information is in the show [00:25:00] notes. Don't forget that as a podcast listener, you can get half off your first month in the Sleep by Alex membership. So if you heard about all these resources I have and the course and asking me questions and coming to live calls and all of that, and you want some individualized help, now's your chance to get that for 17 bucks.
So use the code podcast at checkout. And it's gonna give you half off that first month, and you can stay as long as you want. Cancel any time. Totally fine. I hope to see you there.
Have a great rest of your week. If you found this podcast helpful at all, a five star review, a subscribe, a share would be super, super appreciated.
As always, thank you for being here and I look forward to chatting next week. See ya.
